Sunday April 17, 2011

Palm Sunday

So it's almost at an end, another season. Holy Week is upon us. I think this might be the first Palm Sunday mass I ever missed. Luckily, Dan brought me a palm. Poor guy had to go alone because Amanda had rehearsal and I have pink eye.

But reading over the gospel online, I was struck by two things more than I have been before. One is visceral - what it must feel like to see a group of soldiers dividing up all your earthly possessions. The clothes on his back, stripped away, and then to see them divvied up, because in a short time you could have no possible use for them.

The other is a bit more intellectual. In Matthew the response the apostles have, at the Last Supper, to Jesus saying that one at the table will betray him is to ask Him in turn, "Surely it is not I, Lord?" rather than in other gospels to wonder amongst themselves who it is and then finally get John to get Jesus to give them a sign.

There's something terribly sad about the fact that they all ask, "Surely it is not I?" And I wonder what was going on in their heads. Even Judas asks, and Jesus says, "You have said so." And I've seen movies made of this that make Judas' question face-saving and insincere, but what I wonder is if it really played out like this: Judas wasn't sure yet, or confronted with the idea of Jesus knowing about him was different than, in hypothetical, freeing himself from the association with a targeted man. And Jesus was telling Judas that, even now, "You have said so," but you do not have to do it. Jesus doesn't say, "Yes, you will" or "You know it is you." He tells Judas, who so soon will be dead, that He knows that Judas has offered to betray Him and that He still loves him, still washed his feet with the other apostles, still offers him this love and this table. Jesus still wanted to spend His final night on earth with him.

But Judas could not remember this love when the time came. It was a preemptive declaration of love in any case.

But I also wonder about the other apostles. Had they been approached to betray Jesus? Had they been threatened? Or were they worried that it was going to be through error and stupidity? That they would trust someone they shouldn't with information or speak too loudly out of turn and doom their Master? Were they worried that they would not stand firm if they were pushed too hard, if they were attacked and beaten? Were they asking Jesus if they were the one who was too weak to stand strong in faith.

Aren't we all, I suppose? Afraid that we will not pass the test. We want to know if we have the strength, if we will be the ones who fail. Who crumble under the pressure and sin to get ourselves out of a tight spot.

And Peter will. Not as badly as Judas, but even those who did not explicitly deny Jesus as Peter did, the list of those who stood with Jesus at Calvary is only women and Joseph of Arimathea. John and His mother are included in the Gospel of John, but in Matthew the list is Mary Magdalene, Mary mother of James and Joseph, and Mary the mother of the "sons of Zebedee" or James and John. So they all failed to stand by Him in one way, except perhaps John, who in other gospels is the one who apparently has the right to ask Jesus who the betrayer is and receive an answer. I do wonder if John, having heard that answer, told anyone else. If not, I wonder how long it took them to notice that Judas was gone. If so, I wonder that none of them tried to stop him.

What a terrible, human question. "Surely it is not I, Lord?" We all like to think we would be strong, we would be good, we would stand firm. Blessed are those who know that they would, that they have. The rest of us can only pray that we will have the wit to rely on the Holy Spirit when the time comes.

Which - what Jesus keeps telling them about the Spirit is that when times like this come again, when they are tested again as they will all to one degree or another fail this test, now they will have the Spirit to help them through. So that their weak flesh will not stop the willing spirit again. Without the Holy Spirit's help, all we can do is ask, "Surely it is not I, Lord?" but with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can fall back on our faith and our trust in God and know that we will have help. That it will not be our willing spirit versus our weak flesh. It will be the Light of God shining through us versus the meager enemies of the flesh.

"Surely it is not I, Lord?" has a different answer now, on the other side of the Death and Resurrection. For that we can all be thankful.

Dear Lord, thank You for Your help in our times of need. Be with us always, even unto death. Give us the strength we need and bless us all. Save all of those who died today.