Monday March 28, 2011

John 4:5-7

"Jesus came to a town of Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of land that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there. Jesus, tired from his journey, sat down there at the well. It was about noon. A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, 'Give me a drink.'"

I got to tell you - I was rather disappointed in my Little Black Book when it's first words on this story were about the annoying ignorance of the woman. It expanded to include all of the Samaritans and the Jews and their misunderstandings in this category of annoying human squabbles, but still. See below for my appreciation for this woman.

And honestly, I am going to try to bring my own reflection for the day back to this Bible verse, but I took a step away for I forget what reason just now, and I came upon this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0sILSapUUc.

It is probably the most loving and pastorly response to homosexuality allowed by current Church teachings, and I just can't not rebut it. I do suggest you watch it first, because my summary will be incomplete.

The idea of crosses we all bear is true, and the idea of "victim souls" is there. Saints suffer - but there is no comparing the Long Night of the Soul that saints and visionaries suffer to the cross of homosexuality. Any more than comparing it to other worldly suffering for its degree and kind, for how directly it connects you to God. Also, for how it is chosen - or at least accepted. Homosexuality is not a choice. And yes, many saints have pulled away from their Calling, but they all made the choice, in the end. Homosexuals did not. Comparing them in this way is a false comparison.

And the implication that by abstaining homosexuals will draw souls to Christ - how? When we're talking about a real life choice for these people, then a vague spiritual metaphor just doesn't cut it for me. How does the abstinence of someone else bring you to Christ? Perhaps if you are already faithful, you may see someone to admire. If you are not, are you not more likely to see someone who could be happy if only they let go of what you see as a false belief, driving you further away? Perhaps you would see someone who has lost a worldly joy for a heavenly peace - but are there not ways to achieve this without dismissing the true love felt by so many people in our modern world? Is there not a better way to show the love of God than by rejecting love because it's form makes us uncomfortable?

Homosexuals do not have a choice in who they love any more than heterosexuals do. Should they not have the same privileges to decide to love or turn away from earthly love for a heavenly calling as heterosexuals do? Without it categorically assumed that their love is of such a nature that it can never be holy?

It's this kind of thing - an assumption of something unacceptable, so much softer a word than "deplorable" but it comes from the same place and boils down to the same thing, about the love of a man for a man or a woman for a woman, however purely felt and meant - that kept me from understanding my own sexuality so long. I was so terrified that I might be gay in high school and beyond, with feelings I didn't understand. And I would soothe myself that, no, I was being silly. I was definitely attracted to men. I denied for years and years my bisexuality, and even now, I find myself hoping and praying that when I fall in love it will be with a man so that I can have my love recognized and blessed by the Church that I love so much. But I know that if I fall in love with a woman, my love will be no less precious in the eyes of God.

And if the Church feels this way about homosexuals, who have no choice at all, who could not find the easy way out of this trap the Church is determined to spring - then what hope would I have of the Church, which has meant so much to me all of my life, ever accepting me? But it is because of my bisexuality that I know that the love I feel for a man or woman, homosexual or heterosexual, differs only in this: whether or not it is sanctioned by society and Church doctrine. Not insignificant things, but things which are entirely outside of me and the love I experience and nurture in the world.

I didn't know the word "bisexual" until college, actually. And I tell you, I did a 180 the very first week there when I met the first "out" homosexual person in my life (who wasn't an English teacher making me uncomfortable with information about her sex life and what I was afraid was a pick-up attempt). Because I suddenly couldn't see, face to face with it, why his ability to love and share that love and build a life with someone should in any way be impaired because of his sexual orientation. Nothing else about him was any different. And just like that, I changed my outlook entirely.

It was four years before I really sat myself down and made myself realize the truth - and I do think a lot of what held me back was fear of the Church's disapproval. Of not wanting to put myself right in the crux of that conflict - of my difference in belief from the Catholic Church on this issue but my certainty that my view of the situation was square with God.

I sat a nun down at Rice one day and asked her if a couple known to be infertile wants to marry, then does the Catholic Church object in any way? And she said no, we encourage bringing children into the family by adoption. And she could say nothing when I asked then what would the difference be between a biologically infertile heterosexual couple and a biologically infertile homosexual couple?

I don't know why I feel this is the right forum for this, but I do quite suddenly. Because that video represents perhaps the kindest version of the Catholic Church's policy on homosexuality - and it still breaks my heart and raises my hackles.

Because I don't think that a faithful Catholic homosexual is doomed to suffer abstinence and loneliness because God has chosen them for this special suffering in order to bring that soul and "countless" others closer to Him. I think that turning away from any kind of love is rejecting a way in which to know God and should only be done with an express calling to a different path. I think that a faithful Catholic homosexual is doomed to suffer abstinence and loneliness because we are not ready to handle it.

Jesus came amongst the sinners and told them to go and sin no more. But look at His interaction with this woman, this Samaritan woman with her "deplorable" at its more vicious and, at best, oh so calmly and kindly unacceptable lifestyle, and said "Give me a drink." And He spoke to her, and He revealed truths to her. And when His disciples came they were angry He had spoken to her, and when her community saw Him for themselves they had a kind of respect for her but no need of her anymore.

The thing that makes me saddest about this woman is that we don't know if, after Jesus left that town, anyone else ever looked at her like a person, as He did. And even if they did, did they tell her the love she felt for those men had no connection to God because it was unsanctioned by the church?

I can't believe that love of any kind would ever do anything but bring us closer to God. And I am blessed, in a way, to have come to this belief before I faced my own truth. God's kindness, so that I would never need to parted from His love in my life, from His oh so active role taken in my life.

And I haven't ever really declared my bisexuality in a public forum before (unless you count my drunken declaration at a bachelorette party mostly comprised of strangers) and maybe this isn't the venue - but I feel called to write this. I have to write this, and I hope what I feel is the Spirit because I hope that this is a message that the Holy Spirit has blessed and co-written and has a plan for.

Because I have been afraid of the world's reaction - but I think most because I have been afraid that the world would try to strip away the peace I have made with God over this issue, even before I could admit that it personally applied to me. But that is me being of little faith. God loves me, and nothing can change that. I have said in the past that the precious gift God seems to have given me is the gift of Certainty. I am certain in my relationship with God - it is the rock where I stand.

Dear Lord, please stand with me always and never leave me. Please help me to see Your will and understand Your ways as much as I require to do Your will. Please Lord, bless me to always stand strong and firm at Your side and give me the strength and courage to do Your will. And please, grant me the wisdom to know it.