March 9, 2011

Ash Wednesday

So a year ago I started this (liturgically), although I actually I think I started a bit late because I didn't have the idea by this time last year. Seems like a long time.

I'm sponsoring Dan Trombley as he becomes a Catholic this year, and at the session on the Lenten season and liturgical calendar this Sunday, they passed out to everyone a Little Black Book for the season of Lent. I though it would be a good basis for the blog this time around.

The book contains a few little known facts on one page and a Bible verse with a reflection on the other for each day in Lent. Today's is:

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven." - Matthew 7:21

So today was a series of mishaps in my attempts to attend a service. I woke up in time to drive to the 9 a.m. Mass in Waynesboro, but I didn't get an answer from Dan and Amanda about a ride. Knowing that their car is restricted to local trips for the foreseeable future, I decided that even if the service available in the evening was an interfaith service rather than a full Mass, with the Blessed Sacrament, I should stick by my tiny but close faith community. And then, despite checking online, I found that we had the wrong church for the interfaith service so we drove back - technically in time for the St. Francis Mass but exhausted. And they needed a grocery run. So we let it slide. I think it might be the first Ash Wednesday in my life I haven't had ashes on my forehead - although I don't know if they put ashes on babies, that seems a bit harsh.

I don't know if this can be said to relate at all to the Bible verse, but I wonder if I can have caught the need for repentance if I choose other things, if I let my exhaustion and the gloom of a cold rainy day, overcome my will to attend Mass. But I justified it to myself that what I'm doing is prioritizing people, people I can help, over my own need to be in a Church to talk to God. Although I worry I don't do that enough these days. Or perhaps it's that we have the same conversation - all the people I want to pray for, my trust in Him.

I am crying "Lord, Lord" regularly, but I don't feel the connection to God except fleetingly. I think that I need a retreat. God knows when I would or where I would do it. I wish there were an ACTS community here.

It's a disheartening scripture verse, especially from someone who wants to believe that God is all good, that He will save each of His children. Who does believe that. That there is no prayer, no action, no sin and no act of grace that changes the love of God for us at its root.

And it's easy to see the false Christian in others. See those who are hypocritical or those who take the Lord's name in hate or twist the message of Jesus into one of intolerance. Or those who ignore the sticking points of the scripture where it doesn't please. You can argue anything about what God's message is in the Scriptures. Where do we find the truth?

And what do we do if that truth isn't something that we like?

Lord, I am Your humble servant. I do not know Your will. I am sorry for the neglectful follower I have been. Be with me, Lord. I love You, beyond all others. I know that I cannot understand Your ways, if it please You, I ask You please, give me the grace to understand enough to know Your path for me. Please Lord, give me the grace to go forward in Your ways. I am not supposed to know, I am not supposed to understand. It is for me only to do Your will. Help me know the path You have for me.