Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Lapa

St. Catherine of Siena was born Catherine Benincasa, the twenty-third Benincasa child, at the same time as her twin sister Giovanna, who died as an infant. The twenty-fifth child of the Benincasas was also named Giovanna, and she also died. Lapa was Catherine's mother's name.

This will probably change a lot as I do more and better research, but here's a pass at a speech for Lapa. Perhaps after the bit I wrote yesterday?

LAPA

I can't help thinking of Giovanna. I can't help thinking of her as the girl that Catherine might have been. One twin lived, the other flew all the sooner into the arms of Christ. But I can't help thinking that He kept both my babies, my youngest, captive so early. So early they were snatched from me.

I can't help thinking of Giovanna, of what she would be like now. Would she be pretty and sweet and so innocent she cannot bear her husband's foul language like Bonaventura? Would she be as gentle as my husband, so soft I wonder how he would survive without me? All the rest of them were, the twenty-two before Catherine. So like their father. So gentle and passive and unworldly. I used to pray, with each pregnancy, for God to send me one child - just one child - who was more like me. More practical, more firm, strong and sure and ground in this world. Catherine was the closest I came. And I can't stand the things that make her most like me.

No, that's not true. I love her strength. I love her faith. I am proud of her.

But I find myself thinking about Giovanna, what her life would be like. If Giovanna had survived instead of Catherine, would she be living just down the street, more grandchildren on the way? Married carefully to a sensible but honorable man because she is so good like her father and so outside the world, like him. Would she depend on me, as the others do? To guide them in affairs and explain the people of this world to them?

I love that Catherine stands so strong. That she sees the world so clearly. That she understands people and knows the strings to pull to bring them to the light. I love that she of all my children shows the light I see inside her father to the world most clearly. I love that she is a beacon of her father's love of God and gentleness of spirit. I love watching her stand with my strength and practicality and think at last, Jacopo, between us we got the balance magnificently right.

But I can't help thinking what Giovanna would be doing now. How close she would be. Infinitely closer than Avignon. I can't help thinking of Giovanna. The girl I thought that Catherine would be.