The Turn Around

I was going to make some labored, somewhat self-important comparison to Lazarus here, but then I reread the Old Testament reading, and I'm just going to reproduce it here.

Thus says the LORD:
Cursed is the man who trusts in human beings,
who seeks his strength in flesh,
whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He is like a barren bush in the desert
that enjoys no change of season,
But stands in a lava waste,
a salt and empty earth.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose hope is the LORD.
He is like a tree planted beside the waters
that stretches out its roots to the stream:
It fears not the heat when it comes,
its leaves stay green;
In the year of drought it shows no distress,
but still bears fruit.
More tortuous than all else is the human heart,
beyond remedy; who can understand it?
I, the LORD, alone probe the mind
and test the heart,
To reward everyone according to his ways,
according to the merit of his deeds.

A lot of my day actually contradicts the first part about being cursed to trust in human beings.  A lot of people came through for me today as some very key people did not.  As human beings responded in ways that blindsided me and made me fear for my production, my job, and my ability to get through the day without sobbing in plain view of my students.

It's the unpredictability that makes it such a torture to trust in human beings, I suppose.  But they've also done a lot for me today.  And I end today in the last place I would have guessed this morning: a place of deep thankfulness.

A lot of the great things from later that happened were in the works earlier in the day, but after a VERY difficult morning, I had to go grade a bunch of presentations.  And I struggled hard neither to cry not grade to harshly.  I shut down students who were trying to help because I couldn't deal with the issues at the moment.  I was in a not-make-a-scene place as a teacher and not able to do much more.

Until my second class of the day.  When even my stupor couldn't fail to recognize a fight brewing during group work.  So I sat down with them and talked calmly at them and about them until they were either in a better place or were so tired of me using Emotional Reconciliation tactics on them that they agreed they'd rather get along than listen to me anymore.  I swear, sometimes I think that's a legitimate tactic to use.

I wasn't done freaking out, but that moment was followed by students planning impressive projects, by my uncles and a production mom moving a couch up to the school for me, a plan being finalized without my intricate involvement, a warm seventh period class  that ended with a student thanking me for keeping my attention on them rather than the business with the projectors on the stage (which was so the best, really), a student being VERY into Shakespeare's Richard III, the new music director making the chorus better and a few key soloists shine, and the sweet moment between Captain Von Trapp and Gretl legitimately make me cry in the audience.

I have reached a calm place of safety through the storm.  And it all began with an opportunity to help someone else.  That's precisely when my day was good -- when I was focused on and talking about other people.  It was bad when I was thinking about myself -- which even in hell the rich man from the Lazarus parable was doing.  Even when it felt understandable -- fear for my job, anger and dismay at the reaction to my work, etc. -- focusing on myself made things hard and sad and awful.

Thinking of my students or my friends and family helping or my new able assistants made the day so much better.  The show isn't ready, and frankly, I'm terrified it won't be.  But that too is faith.  That too will be better thinking of others.

Trust not in human beings to come through for you.  If you watch them, you'll see how much of a miracle it is that they do so so often.  There is a great chasm of fire and terror between so many people.  It's amazing we reach each other so often and with such seeming ease.