"Present and Manifest"

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Today's reflection was on how we see and when we miss the presence of God everywhere -- active -- in our lives.  This is something I think about all the time.  To the point where I'm not even sure what to say about it this evening.

Today feels more like those foolish moments when you realize you should have seen Him at work throughout your day.  Like you wasted a chance to abide with Him.  Which is, in itself, forgetting that THIS is a moment to do that as well.  That He is in all things.

I've always felt his presence very strongly in my life.  I've written about that on this blog before.  I don't even just mean the way the first few times I had a flat tire, someone appeared almost instantly to help.  Seriously though, one time I pulled into a parking lot after I blew a flat and the next moment, two men are getting out of a truck with professional efficiency to change it.

I think of it as the gift of certainty, but I do wonder.  The one time it felt shaken or at least vulnerable was the one true tragedy in my life.  I wonder occasionally if I am only faithful because I am not put to the test.  I wonder if it is so easy to feel special to God because my life has been easy.  And I fear finding out.

For awhile in high school, I was obsessed with "Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright, and the main reason was this: "It's not a cry that you hear at night / it's not somebody who's seen the light / it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah."  I think he was talking about romance in religious languages, but that's no reason for it not to be perfectly true.

Faith isn't measured in a conversion story -- in a moment of changed heart and grace intervening.  The way we make a new heart and a new life for ourselves, as today's readings urge, is when we are forced to change and spend our lives working at it.  We are not defined by the act of choosing to follow Christ, we are defined by how we live our lives as Christians.

And let's be honest: we rarely change unless we are forced -- compelled by circumstances or other people or a transformative love affair with some one or thing.  Ideally God.

I only hope I have the strength to grow closer to God when trials come.  I only hope I pass that test.

And sometimes I wonder if it hasn't come because God wants to keep me.