March 3, 2010

Hebrews 6

I had every intention of getting into the nitty gritty (in my opinion) area of not being able to be re-saved if you fall away after tasting the glory of God. I think I might even have gone as far as saying that probably only applies to the Fallen Angels really. Even Paul shies away by saying, of the people he has described in the same fashion, "we are confident of much better things in your case." Which I think should be the general principle we apply (case by case, we are all loved and saved by our God).

Having touched on it without really justifying any of it, I want to point out that the reason I don't want to make it the main thrust of my reflection (not just because I don't really feel qualified and well-versed enough to tackle it properly) is that there is a verse at the end the completely captures how I feel about my faith.

"We have this hope, a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters the inner shrine before the curtain" Hebrews 6:19.

That's what I'm trying to say when Dan Kennedy pulls me aside at a party to discuss why I feel the way I do about religion - apparently as research for Malvolio, I suspect from a podcast I listened to today, which amuses me greatly and shows I haven't quite gotten through yet - is just that feeling - I've always been blessed to have it. Is that a Gift of the Holy Spirit? Certainty. Hope. God as the anchor of my soul.

I've not had to worry so much about my changing opinions and lifestyles and everything else that changes from one world to another, because I have always had God with me. I've always known that He was there. I've always felt Him in my life. I've had internal wars over when He is speaking and when I am talking to myself, and I've gotten confused about His messages. I've even run from them (one in particular, but we've agreed not to talk about that again for another two and a half years), but I've always known He was there, watching over me, speaking to me.

Sometimes when it's raining (or snowing), I feel compelled to wander outside and stand in it (snow) or just out of its reach (rain) and have a moment of peaceful, silent abiding with my God. But I've always felt Him in my life, blessing me and holding me as He wants to all His children. A crisis of faith was never something I really had to deal with.

Maybe I will someday, but somehow I doubt it. It's the greatest gift He probably could have given me - Certainty. Hope. An Anchor of my soul.

I wouldn't have minded Discernment or Wisdom or Kindness (He knows there are times I could use them), but I have the ability to be kind and good for His sake. It's harder work, but it's the important thing for me to manifest about the gift He's given me.

It's made me feel certain about things having to do with doctrine even when they're against established Church Doctrine. I don't know how this fits in. After all, working it out can't be cheated or short-cutted and be real as I discussed yesterday. But I know He's okay with me, I know He loves me, and I know He loves everyone else just as much. I can't see Him letting them go any more than I can imagine Him dropping me.

There are things I do that might make me seem "a kind of puritan" (Twelfth Night) to some people, but they are part of the way I recompense the strength I have always been given. They are how I honor the great love of my life, the anchor of my soul. They are who I am, because honoring and loving Him are who I am - or who I strive to be.

Mom, I think you're one of the main ones reading this, so I hope you're proud. Because I think you are a huge part of what gave this gift to me. Thank you.

For the record, Dan, who probably never will read this, I don't know how to tell you what it's really like, why it's beyond worth being and being seen as "a kind of puritan," but sometimes it's not about a suppressed id. It's an anchor, holding me not "back" but steady. So that I can go anywhere and know that the core of myself and the love of my life will never change. I am safe to move about in the world without fear of losing myself. It's made me all kinds of things - a bold personality almost the least of it. It's made me unafraid of so many people who might have warped my spirit, at least temporarily. It's made me unaware of a lot of social pressures and prickly issues that could cause doubt. It's made me feel loved always and always full of hope. It's made me willing to be whoever I am without fear.

From half the literature and television I have seen in my life, such a gift should be more common.